How to Say No Without Guilt: A Survival Guide for IVF and Infertility

Guilt has become the junk drawer of emotions.

You know the one… the drawer in your kitchen where everything ends up, because you don’t have the energy to find its real home. Rubber bands, takeaway menus, a random Allen key from Ikea… all shoved together under the label “miscellaneous.”

That’s exactly what we do with guilt.
Any time something feels uncomfortable i.e. saying no to a baby shower, taking time off work for yet another scan, not texting a friend back because you just don’t have the energy, we say, “I feel guilty.”

But here’s the thing: most of the time, it’s not guilt at all.

Guilt only belongs when we act out of alignment with our values. If kindness matters to you and you snap at your partner, guilt kicks in because you didn’t show up the way you wanted to.

That’s real guilt. And in those moments, guilt can be useful. It gives you the nudge to repair, apologise, or do better next time.

But when you say you feel guilty for skipping your friend’s baby shower while you’re in the middle of an IVF cycle? That’s not guilt. That’s self-protection. That’s grief. That’s heartbreak colliding with a social expectation you never signed up for.

Here’s why this matters: when we mislabel everything as guilt, we automatically jump into self-punishment and judgment.

“I’m a bad friend.”
“I should be stronger.”
“I’m letting people down.”

And when you’re already carrying the weight of IVF - the appointments, the hormones, the waiting, the fear - the last thing you need is another reason to beat yourself up.

Let’s call it out: most of what we label as guilt is something else entirely. Let me show you...

Guilt: I feel guilty for not going to the baby shower.
Truth: I feel grief that I can’t be there without hurting. I feel sad that I’m not in that season. I feel protective – I need to keep my heart safe.

Guilt: I feel guilty for having a glass of wine.
Truth: I feel the pressure to do everything perfect. I feel scared that I’ll ruin my chances. I feel anxious about doing the wrong thing.

Guilt: I feel guilty for not starting sooner.
Truth: I feel regret that I didn’t know then what I know now. I feel grief for the time I’ve lost. I feel angry at how unfair this is.

Guilt: I feel guilty for not being happy about my friend’s pregnancy news.
Truth: I feel longing for my own pregnancy. I feel sad that it isn’t me. I feel jealous – and that doesn’t make me a bad person.

See how different those truths land? Instead of spiraling into self-judgment, you can meet yourself with compassion and understanding.

And here’s another twist: sometimes the feeling isn’t even an emotion. It’s DISCOMFORT.

When you set a boundary, like saying no to the baby shower or choosing not to explain your fertility treatment to a nosy coworker, it often feels wrong. Your chest tightens, your stomach flips, and you think, “This must be guilt.”

But it’s not guilt.
It’s growing pains.

Because here’s the reality: as women, we’ve been conditioned our whole lives to put other people’s needs first. Society tells us we’re “good” when we’re accommodating, selfless, agreeable. So when you start saying no? When you put your needs first? Of course it feels uncomfortable. You’re pushing against the walls you’ve been boxed into for decades.

That’s not guilt. That’s you growing. And the more you practice, the less it will hurt. Boundaries stop feeling like betrayal and start feeling like freedom.

When you start calling your feelings what they really are — grief, disappointment, fear, self-protection, growing pains — everything shifts.

• Instead of punishing yourself, you can comfort yourself.
• Instead of shame, you feel understanding.
• Instead of beating yourself down, you can actually support yourself through it.

This tiny shift in language has massive ripple effects. It changes the way you talk to yourself. It changes the way you hold space for the hardest parts of infertility. It stops you from being your own harshest critic and lets you become your own ally.

How can you put this into practice?

1. Catch yourself the next time you say “I feel guilty.”
2. Pause and ask: Did I actually do something out of alignment with my values? Or am I just uncomfortable?
3. Re-label it: grief, fear, exhaustion, self-protection, disappointment, or simply growing pains.
4. Offer compassion: talk to yourself the way you would to your best friend.

Infertility is heavy enough without carrying a fake backpack full of “guilt” everywhere you go. Guilt has its place, sure — but only when you’ve truly acted out of alignment with who you want to be.

The rest?
It’s not guilt. It’s grief. It’s heartbreak. It’s exhaustion. It’s growth.

And none of those things deserve punishment. They deserve compassion. They deserve space. They deserve you giving yourself the same grace you’d offer anyone else going through this.

So next time guilt tries to crash the party, show it the door. Call it what it really is. Because you don’t need more guilt in your IVF journey - you need more truth, and a whole lot more self-compassion.