IVF Anxiety Out of Control? The Best Advice I’ve Ever Heard for Infertility Spirals

If you’ve ever found yourself lying awake at 3am thinking what if this cycle doesn’t work? What if I can’t handle the grief again? What if I never get to be a mum? Well, you’re in good company. Infertility has a way of turning your brain into a 24/7 worst-case-scenario machine.

I heard a story recently that stopped me in my tracks. It was from a podcast, but honestly, it could’ve been ripped straight from the infertility trenches. The interviewee had been sitting in a hospital, terrified her mum was about to die. She couldn’t stop spiraling about how she’d cope, how she’d survive without her, how she’d manage logistically and emotionally.

And then a friend said something that cracked her world open:

“The version of you that will handle that terrible thing, if and when it happens, doesn’t exist yet. She’ll be born in that moment. And she’ll have more strength, more wisdom, more context than you do right now. Trust your future self to handle future problems.”

Damn.

That landed. And it hit me how much this applies to infertility and IVF.

Anxiety loves to time travel

If infertility is anything, it’s unpredictable. Tests, results, waiting, failed cycles, new protocols, endless “what ifs.” Your brain is forever sprinting ahead into the future, trying to prepare for the worst.

• What if I don’t respond to the meds?
• What if the transfer fails?
• What if my period shows up again?
• What if everyone around me is pregnant except me?
• What if I can’t do another round?

You’re not only carrying today’s load, you’re rushing out to meet suffering that hasn’t even happened yet. No wonder you feel exhausted.

The truth bomb: You don’t need to know now

Here’s the kicker: you’re not supposed to know how you’ll handle those things. Because the version of you that will handle them doesn’t exist yet.

The “today you” doesn’t have the context of tomorrow. She hasn’t walked through it yet. So of course you can’t picture how you’d survive it. But if that thing does happen, future you will show up. And she’ll know what to do.

Think back to something tough you’ve already survived in your infertility journey. Maybe it was the call that your embryo didn’t make it. Or the month your period arrived after you were so sure this was the one. Or the baby shower invite that broke you.

At the time, you thought: I don’t know how I’ll get through this. But look - you did. You’re still here. A little more weathered, maybe, but also wiser. Stronger. Sturdier.

Future you showed up then, and she’ll show up again.

“Future Me is a badass”

One of the lines from that story that made me laugh was this: “Future me is a badass. She’ll figure it out.”

It’s kind of cheeky, but it’s also true. When your brain starts spiraling, you can remind yourself:

• Today me doesn’t need to solve that yet.
• Future me has my back.
• She’ll figure it out when she needs to.

It’s not about blind optimism or pretending bad things won’t happen. It’s about giving yourself permission to stop suffering twice… once in your imagination, and again if it actually happens.

What this looks like in infertility/IVF life

• During the two-week wait: Instead of lying awake rehearsing how you’ll survive another negative test, remind yourself: Future me will know how to handle it. Right now, my only job is to breathe and get through today.
• When you’re waiting for results: Rather than obsessing over every possible outcome, tell yourself: It makes sense I don’t know how I’d cope with bad news - I haven’t lived that moment yet. But if it comes, future me will step up.
• When you’re planning “what ifs” that may never come: Stop and ask: Am I suffering something that isn’t even real yet? Could I let future me deal with that instead?

Let yourself off the hook

Here’s the thing: infertility already asks so much of you. The meds, the appointments, the waiting, the losses. You don’t need to add extra suffering by living in all the imagined futures.

Trust that if the hard thing happens, you’ll meet it then… with the wisdom, support, and resilience that only comes in that moment.

And if the hard thing doesn’t happen? Well, you just saved yourself a whole lot of unnecessary pain.

A little mantra for you

Next time you feel yourself spinning out, try this:

“Future me has my back. Today me only has to get through this moment.”

Simple. Grounding. A reminder that you’re not alone, because you’ve got this future version of yourself who’s already survived things you couldn’t imagine at the time.

You’re not crazy for spiraling

I want to be clear here: if you’ve been spiraling, that doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re human. Anxiety wants certainty. It hates the unknown. And infertility is basically one long rollercoaster of the unknown.

But you don’t have to keep rushing ahead to meet pain that isn’t here yet. You can stop. You can breathe. You can hand it over to future you.

And trust me, she’s a badass.