I’m going to be completely honest.
Infertility ruined my sex life.
You see, when you decide to have a baby, you imagine the passionate love-making as you create a life.
But it doesn’t always happen like that.
After the first few months, it becomes a chore. Like you're telling your partner to take the trash out.
As soon as the romance goes out the window, that’s when it all goes downhill.
He can’t perform, or he starts resisting. We basically have to beg our partner to have sex with us.
And then it becomes about us. Perhaps he doesn’t love me anymore? Maybe he doesn’t find me attractive. Does he not really want kids? Do I have to do EVERYTHING myself?
But we don’t talk about it, because we’re too hurt. After each failed attempt we just roll over and quietly cry into our pillow, knowing that we missed our window and another month has passed.
We go into this process, never imagining that the sex is going to be the hard part or that having sex regularly is going to make it stressful on our relationship.
But here we find ourselves shaking our heads thinking, I never thought making a baby would have been so tough.
Now that my journey is over, I have spoken to my husband for the truth. Why did it impact our sex life? Why didn’t he want to have sex? Why was it such a struggle for us?
Here's what I have discovered.
Firstly, it’s not YOU. I mean it. He wanted to have sex with you before you started trying to have a baby, and he still does. Our first instinct is to blame ourselves, which goes into our self-limiting beliefs and our own insecurities. I had been cheated on in a previous relationship, so a rejection for sex from my husband, brought up a whole lot of self-doubt I’d been holding onto.
Scheduling sex is awkward. You never put it on your calendar before, so when it starts being put up there like a chore, that’s what it becomes. Something that needs to be ticked off your to-do list. Like taking out the trash. And that’s where the romance starts getting sucked out.
Performance pressure. Every single month he can see the sadness when you’re not pregnant, so every single time you tell him you need to have sex, he feels a huge amount of pressure to make this time “the one”. Men are the fixers and want to make everything ok, and when they can’t, it really starts to get to them. And just like stress affects your ability to conceive, it affects their ability to perform.
Hello Foreplay? I remember on many occasions, telling my husband that this was our window and we had to have sex. I would practically march him to the bedroom. There was zero spontaneity. And foreplay? Well, it was approached with all the romance of a wet blanket. No wonder it wasn’t fun!! The goal was a baby, not an orgasm or fun. And while we can have sex without being turned on, unfortunately our partner can’t.
So now you know why this is happening. Next question -
Here are some tips for you –
Now go and get out there and reclaim the intimacy in your relationship!!
If you'd like to create more support in your relationships. Learn more ways to rebuild yourself back up. Take back control of your life. Create strength and renewed purpose, instead of fertility ruling your life.
Perhaps you're starting IVF in a couple of months and want to be fully prepared for the journey in front of you?
Maybe you've been trying ALL the things for years and are sick of being left behind (and even lapped) by your friends and family who keep having children.
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Where ever you're at, you don't have to waste a minute longer feeling lost or overwhelmed on this soul-destroying journey.
Because let's face it - infertility has an expiry date. Your biological clock keeps getting louder and louder!
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