Just be grateful for what you have.
That’s what we’re taught when we’re younger, and that’s what gets drilled into our head throughout our lives. You must be grateful. Anything less than that, and well, you’re spoilt or ungrateful.
So, when secondary infertility pops its nasty head up to ruin that perfect picture we had in our head of our family, it surfaces again. That’s all we hear.
“Just be grateful for the child you already have”, we’re told.
The conflict of emotions hits us hard. Maybe we ARE being ungrateful? Maybe we should just be satisfied and move on with our lives?
I had always wanted two children. That’s the picture I had in my head. Whenever I imagined my family, it was never with one, but two babies. I was one of three children, and I wanted my children to have the same experience I had. Siblings who could play with each other, be best friends, and ensure they didn’t get pigeon-holed as an “only child”. A family of 4. My dream.
Then that dream was slowly (or rather quickly) destroyed. For 5 years, we struggled to make one baby. But we got there. Our one baby was eventually born via a surrogate. It was a one-time deal. We couldn’t afford to do it again, and the fact that it had taken so long and included so much heart-break stopped us from considering it. Not to mention the fact that we would have to find another willing selfless angel to carry a baby for us.
So, we made peace with it as best we could. I told myself that it was ok. We just had to change that picture in our head. But it still hurt. It was still the end of a dream.
It causes confusion amongst our peers when you go through IVF, yet you already have a child. Why would you put yourself through that, when you already have a perfectly healthy child? Or when you’re upset because you had another failed pregnancy test, but your baby is giving you a cuddle when you cry. Separating the emotions is hard.
Surely it can’t hurt as much as primary infertility, right? It doesn’t sting as much, does it?
If you are currently experiencing secondary infertility and questioning whether you have the right to want more or feel your current pain, here are 5 things I want you to know.
Most importantly, you don’t have to feel guilty. In my experience, and from talking to others who have suffered, GUILT is the heaviest emotion associated with secondary infertility.
Guilt that you waited too long. Guilt that you should be grateful. Guilt that others have it worse than you do. Guilt that you’re spending so much time and energy creating another child, and that you’re not concentrating on the time you have with your existing child.
That guilt is not yours to carry. It’s toxic and it’s not serving you. Plus, you’ve done nothing wrong except desire something more.
And we are entitled to want more. Be more. And have more.
We see you. Your pain is real. You are amazing.
p.s. if you would like some support through this stage of your fertility journey. To feel supported and release the guilt. You can find more information on my 1:1 signature coaching program, RECLAIM YOUR LIFE. Click HERE.