How do you make the RIGHT decisions on your fertility journey?

How many times have you punished yourself for not making a better choice?  Which then turns into a regret and a source of self-punishment.  

Why didn’t I do IVF sooner?!

I should have changed my diet earlier!

I knew I should have moved doctors.

If we’d just used donor eggs in the first place, we could have avoided all of this.

If you struggle with regret, self-punishment, and making decisions i.e. you don’t want to make the “wrong” decision, then read on. 

Because you are not alone. I too have wrestled with that niggle of “if only we knew back then what we know now”.

When we were 6 months into our fertility journey, we went and saw a fertility specialist.  Given our age (33) and test results (sub-par sperm for my husband, and irregular cycle for me), she suggested we start IVF. 

I didn’t question the diagnosis or the plan.  Because I had a problem, and she said that this was the solution.  If it all went according to plan, we’d be pregnant in a few short months.  End of story.

Fast forward 12 years to today, and looking back, that wasn’t the right decision for us.  

Because after we started that first IVF cycle, we discovered I never got a lining on my uterus, and we ended up spending the next 5 years struggling through multiple IVF cycles, miscarriage and had a baby (Luca) via a surrogate.  6 months after that, I ended up getting pregnant naturally at the age of 39 and having another baby (Sophie). 

Turns out we didn’t need IVF after all.

Was it the wrong decision?  Technically, yes.  But things are rarely black and white.

The only time a decision appears to be the wrong one, is with hindsight.  Of course it’s clearer at the end.  Because you know the result. 

But what if I told you that there is no such thing as a WRONG decision.  There is merely a decision or a choice you make.  One way or the other.

I see my clients and those in my community struggling with this ALL the time.  I get messages from women asking whether they should go down the path of IVF or continue with IUI?  Or should they keep trying naturally, or invest in fertility treatments?  Should they see a naturopath or an acupuncturist? 

We struggle because we’re trying to make the RIGHT choice. 

But unfortunately, none of us has a crystal ball.  And although I did go and see my fair share of psychics when we were trying to conceive, none of them were able to help me with the decisions I had to make. I was just grappling with and trying to hang onto any kind of hope.

So how do you make a decision? 

Firstly, acknowledge that you don’t need to make the RIGHT decision, because RIGHT does not exist.  Remind yourself that you don’t have a crystal ball.  Release yourself from the pressure of perfection.  And give yourself permission to make a choice, knowing that you can change your mind down the track if it doesn’t work out.  There is no certainty in this decision.  And the more you seek certainty, the more uncertain you will feel.  Plus, you’ll keep spinning in circles. 

Secondly, when you make a decision, base it on the current circumstances and information you have right now.  As women, we are always thinking 10 steps ahead.  And that is one of the main differences between us and our male counterparts.  We’ll consider ALL the options, possibilities and consequences – if this happens, then that, and if that happens, then this.  It’s the reason why we stand in front of our wardrobe and take so long to make a choice in outfit before we go out for the day - we consider the weather, where we’re going, what if it rains, what if we get cold, what if we have to walk a long way?  Whereas a male (and I’m sorry, but this is a generalization) will select the first thing without thinking about anything else.  I’m almost jealous at how simple their thought process is sometimes. But thinking 10 steps ahead can keep us paralyzed in fear, which is not a great place to be making a decision from - because we want to make a decision from a place of power.  And that way of thinking also stops us from actually making a decision, which keeps us stuck and yet again, spinning our wheels.

Thirdly, listen to your intuition. I know it feels like you can’t trust yourself, but you can.  Think of all the times you say to yourself “I knew I should have done that”.  The truth is that most of the time, we already know the answer.  But we’re scared of listening to ourselves.  So we listen to our mother, or sister, or friend or our doctor……even a stranger on the internet!  We poll everyone else around us, rather than sitting and feeling and searching inside ourselves.  Remember that it may not be the choice you WANT to make or that makes you feel excited – because very few people actually feel excited about the prospect of doing IVF.  But you will know whether it’s the path for you, because you may feel a weight lift. Not entirely.  You may also feel a little clearer and more aligned.

And finally, remember that you are making a decision based on the information that you have right now. So, make sure you have enough information to make an informed decision. Write it down if that helps.

But more than anything, there is no need to look back and punish yourself.  We are all human.  We all make mistakes.  We all get things wrong.  We get to change our minds, our opinions, and our choices.

You are trying to make some heavy decisions right now.  Decisions that are really important. That’s why this is so scary.  You’re scared because this means a lot. 

But this is not to be used as yet another form of self-punishment.  You cannot punish yourself for not having a time-machine or being a psychic.

Release yourself from regret and guilt.  Stop searching for certainty in your decisions.  Because the outcome will always be out of your control.

There is no such thing as a wrong decision…….there is merely a choice.