Have you gone to see a psychic medium on your fertility journey?

At various times throughout my fertility journey, I found myself sitting across from a psychic medium – basically, a complete stranger who knew nothing about me, and who I knew nothing about in return, begging them to tell me what the future held.  How would this end up?  Would I get my baby in my arms in the end?  If you’re anything like me, you may have considered, or been a frequent flier with a psychic medium and had a reading too.

The very first psychic I went to was in my 20s.  I’d just gotten divorced from my husband and I was at a crossroads.  I was lost, and needed some reassurance that my life wouldn’t look like a mess forever.  I wanted to know that I would eventually get my fairytale – that I would meet the man of my dreams (the real one this time), have children, and live happily ever after in my white picket fence.

As I sat in the front room of my sister’s house, I hung off every word she spoke.  And throughout my 7-year fertility journey, her words would come back to me haunt me, give me hope, and confuse me all at the same time.

She told me that I would have 2 children, from 3 pregnancies. Yes, that was very specific.  But at the time, it gave me relief (and made me more than a little curious).  Fast forward 20 years and now that my fertility journey has come to an end, you may be wondering…..was she right?  In short – no, she wasn’t.  We did have two children, but the number of pregnancies is a bit fuzzy. I had two pregnancies (one resulting in Sophie), and our surrogate had two pregnancies (one resulting in Luca). 

I’ve run that prediction and result a million times in my head to make it fit, because I wanted her to be right. I wanted her to be right, because then it means that there is order in the world.  It means that there is such a thing as destiny and fate, and it takes the pressure off us to make the right decisions, and removes the guilt or blame we place on ourselves.  Because if it’s destiny or fate, it's out of our hands, right?!

But then……I don’t want her to be right, because I also want to believe that I have control to influence the path before me. I don’t want to just be along for the ride. I want to know that I have the power to make change, and that my decisions have an impact on the end result of how my life unfolds.

It’s confusing, isn’t it?

Yet, for a lot of us, we seek out this form of guidance, especially on our fertility journey.  Because infertility feels like you’re floating down a river in a leaky boat with no paddle, no compass, and no idea where you’ll end up. And finding someone who can provide you with some potential answers, or relieve some of the uncertainty or pressure, can feel like a life raft.

We ask a complete stranger to tell us what is going to happen next, because we’re afraid that all the shit we’re putting ourselves through – the diets, the supplements, the acupuncture, the fertility treatments, the invasive operations and tests – is all for nothing.  We hang off their every word, because we want some guidance.  There are so many BIG decisions we have to make on this journey – whether we keep trying naturally or start fertility treatments, whether we transfer one embryo or two, use a surrogate, or turn to donor eggs or sperm.  The decisions are so overwhelming, and the longer we’re on this journey the more confused we become.  We can’t tell if that little tug we’re feeling to go a certain way is our intuition, or our anxiety and fear. We lose trust in ourselves and go searching externally for validation.

For all of these reasons, it’s completely understandable you’re considering engaging a psychic to help you on your fertility journey, or that you already have.  I’m not here to tell you what is right or wrong here (and I’m definitely not going to judge you – because I did it too!). But it does beg the very important question - should you go and see a medium on your fertility journey?

This is a very personal choice, but in making your decision, this is what I feel you should know first -

1. Before you go and seek out guidance through a medium, ask yourself why you are going to see them. Be honest with yourself. It’s like going on to Google – yes, you want information, and options. But in reality, you’re probably searching for certainty and hope. You’re looking for validation outside of yourself. What are you trying to gain from this encounter?
2. Once you know what you’re seeking, and why, ask yourself - Is this encounter going to help me find what I’m searching for? Is this going to provide me with clarity, or provide additional questions and confuse things further?  Is this really going to help you?  And my motto is that if it’s not helpful, it's harmful. Consider the impact that this may have on your mindset.
3. If you decide that this is the path for you, approach your encounter with an open mind. Remember that the person you are going to see is a human. And just like us, they can get it wrong – just like my medium. Remember that everything is so subjective and open to interpretation. It is not black and white.
4. Despite what you are told, remember that you are still in charge of making your own decisions. And every decision that you make has the potential to change the course of your life.  I know this may sound a little scary and puts a lot of pressure on you to get it “right”, but if you’ve been told some news that you don’t like, remember that it is not set in stone.  Your story has not been written yet and you can change it at any time by making a different choice.
5. Use the information to your advantage. Don’t let it replace your intuition or what feels good for you. If you’ve been tossing up between moving from IUI to IVF, and the psychic tells you that you that they see you moving to IVF, this may give you the push and courage you need to make a decision that you’ve been putting off previously.

Going to see a psychic medium can be a slippery slope.  It needs to provide you with comfort or clarity that you’re on the right track.  Or hope that things will all work out how they’re supposed to in the end. And if it doesn’t, or if you feel yourself boxed into their predictions, ask yourself – what if they are wrong?

If it feels good, lean into it.  If it doesn’t feel good, leave it behind.

The choice is yours, and yours alone.  You know how your mind works and whether it will provide you with relief or make you feel more overwhelmed. 

Trust your intuition.  And as much as the anticipation is killing you right now, you can’t flick to the back of the book to read how this ends up. Because you are still very much writing your story – the curtain hasn’t come down yet.  The final scene hasn’t been written.

You are still in control (even if it doesn't always feel like it).