Why is everyone falling pregnant around me? How to handle pregnancy announcements.Nov 02, 2020
It feels like everyone around you is popping up pregnant. Your best friend, your sister, even people in the infertility support groups are falling pregnant before you. Your Facebook feed is one big pregnancy announcement after another.
You’re consumed with jealously and you’re disappointed that it’s not you. Why them and not you?
You’re angry and wish you could be happy for them, but you can’t.
You watch their pregnant bellies grow with sadness and are left feeling completely empty.
I remember one of my close girlfriends telling me she was pregnant. I can picture exactly where I was standing when I received her phone call and her exact words. In hindsight, I’m grateful that she gave me the heads up and called me personally.
The first words out of her mouth were – sorry Jen, but I’m pregnant. My first thought was – how fucked up is it when your girlfriend has to apologise for something that should be a joyous occasion. Actually, that was my second thought. My first thought was FFFUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!
You see, my girlfriend was single at my wedding which was when my husband and I started trying to have a baby. In the 3 years that we had been trying to conceive, she met a guy, got married and was now pregnant.
Talk about a kick in the ovaries!
SO, HERE’S MY TAKE ON WHY IT’S SO GODDAMN HARD TO WITNESS OTHERS FALLING PREGNANT AROUND US, AND HOW YOU CAN GET TO A POINT WHERE PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENTS DON’T TRIGGER YOU AS MUCH.
COMPARISON is the enemy here.
Comparing our current circumstances with other people’s circumstances is where the root of the problem lies.
We do it in everything. We compare the house we live in, the clothes we wear, the car we drive and most importantly, our path to pregnancy.
And the thing with comparison is, it’s completely false. It’s based on ASSUMPTION.
We look at others and assume that because they have the things that we crave i.e. a pregnancy, that they have a perfect life. In reality, it may be the complete opposite. What looks like an easy life on the outside may be completely opposite in reality.
For example, if you go back to my Facebook feed in February 2015, you’ll see pictures of me, my husband and my 2-month-old son, Luca. We were taking walks along the water and adjusting to being a family of 3. If you had read my posts, you too may have rolled your eyes and felt a little jealous. But in reality, I was suffering a miscarriage. I was at rock bottom and struggling to put one foot in front of the other. But I didn’t post that on Facebook, nor did I tell anyone.
We all have our own version of HARD. For everyone, it looks a little different.
So here are some tips on how to cope with people falling pregnant around you -
- Accept we all have different journeys and different forms of HARD. Our hard comes at different times – a friend who fell pregnant straight away may suffer from secondary infertility for baby #2. And what looks easy on the outside, may not be the truth.
- It may feel like everyone around you is falling pregnant, but I can assure you, they aren’t. It’s because you’re only focusing on what you want i.e. if you want to buy a red car, guess what you’ll see all over the road. You never used to see them before, but they’re everywhere now because that’s what you want. Same as a baby. So now that you know it isn’t true, remove the internal dialogue from your head that “everyone around you is falling pregnant”.
- It is possible to feel happy for others and sad for yourself at the same time. But it is bloody hard!! If you can't separate the two situations, that's ok. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. It is important to feel and process your emotions as they come up. And it’s definitely ok to feel sad. Throw yourself a pity party, but it may help to set a time limit on it.
- Resist the temptation to take your anger out on your friend. It is not their fault that you are struggling to conceive, just as it is not their fault that they are not struggling. You can still be a good friend despite hurting. Wasting your energy on hating and lashing out at them will not help you. In fact, you’ll punish yourself twice over once you have time to cool off. If you need to distance yourself temporarily, do it. If it’s a good friend, make sure you explain why you’re distancing yourself – it is important not to just disappear because they will think they have done something wrong. And they have not.
- Despite your friends falling pregnant, they are not leaving you behind. We have that picture in our head of us raising our children at the same time as our friends. This is not a race. We all have a different path, and this is yours.
- Stop putting your life on hold. When you invest everything into trying to conceive – you take the supplements, you do the acupuncture, massage, diets and don’t get the outcome you were hoping for, you end up feeling resentful. It is important to keep your life going at the same time.
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