Letting go of the guilt on your fertility journey

I read somewhere (I can’t recall, nor confirm it’s accuracy) that in most infertility cases, 30% is due to male factor infertility, 30% relates to female issues, and 30% is due to both, and for the remaining 10%?  Well, who the f*k knows? This is where the dreaded “unexplained infertility” comes into play.

What I do know however is that regardless of where your infertility originates, a lot of us take on 100% of the guilty and responsibility.  Well, this was me anyway. It didn’t matter that my husband’s sperm was below par (our fertility specialists’ assessment, not mine), or how many people told me that it wasn’t my fault.  I was consumed with self-blame. 

I felt guilty every Father’s Day when all the dads were receiving gifts and being celebrated, and my husband wasn’t.  I blamed myself that we started trying to conceive too late, despite the fact that I met my husband later in life.  I felt guilty that I was so jealous of those who could easily get pregnant, and that pregnancy announcements made me cry and feel angry instead of joy that someone else was happy. I blamed myself for drinking too much wine, being too stressed, taking the contraceptive pill for too many years, and anything else I did that may have impacted our fertility struggles. 

It was so heavy and consuming, and these thoughts were on a constant loop. 

But this is what we do, isn’t it.  We try to assign blame for everything.  It’s a question we get asked all the time when we’re on our fertility journey – who’s fault, is it?  And it’s not just on our fertility journey either – it’s in life.  We either assign blame to someone else – I got a speeding ticket because the guy behind me was up my ass.  Or we take it on ourselves - I feel really bad because my friend was upset that I didn’t go to her baby shower.

Guilt and blame become a hot potato that we’re so busy juggling and passing around, that we miss the whole point.  We get stuck in a constant loop of trying to work out who is responsible, that we forget that we can put that hot potato down on the ground. 

It’s a simple concept, but it isn’t easy.  Because we’re trying to reverse a habit that is ingrained in our culture and our upbringing.  But just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it’s not possible.  And if you’re on this journey, you have already proven you can do hard things. 

We can absolutely can take on responsibility and take action……without assigning blame, fault or guilt.

The thing about guilt is, that it implies you have done something wrong - when you absolutely haven't. But unfortunately, when we’re in a guilt spiral, logic doesn’t come into play.  Take for example one of my clients, Helen (I’ve changed her name btw).  She just completed an IVF cycle that resulted in 3 embryos.  When they got tested, however, they all came back abnormal. When we chatted, Helen was blaming herself, despite knowing that her husband, like mine, had lower-quality sperm. She named all the reasons why the embryos came back abnormal – she ate too much junk food, drank too much wine, and touched too much plastic.  She also told me that her husband was blaming himself too.

This spiral makes healing from a loss or bad news much longer and harder.  It’s like you’ve just been punched in the gut, and are laying on the floor (the negative pregnancy test or the abnormal embryo results), and while you’re trying to pull yourself back up to a standing position, someone has their foot on your back (the guilt), preventing you from moving. 

In Helen’s case, both she and her husband were laying on the ground, trying to stand back up, with a foot on their back.

So how do you get that foot off your back?  Here are a few strategies and mindset shifts you can apply here –

1. If a girlfriend was going through the same thing that you are, what would you say to her? Would you tell her that it’s all her fault?  Would you tell her that it’s because she waited too long?  I asked Helen in our call whether she blamed her husband for the embryo’s being abnormal.  She responded with confidence – absolutely not!  So, try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, and give yourself the same grace you would show to others.
   
   
2. What are all the things you DID do, to make this happen? We get so caught up on the couple of things we didn’t do, that we forget about all the changes we are making. And I can guarantee you that you are doing more to make this happen than most. Also remember – you could do ALL the things perfectly, and still get the same result.  Because perfection doesn’t necessarily equal pregnancy.
   
   
3. Make a list of all the things you are blaming yourself for. When they’re bouncing around in our heads, they can get a little jumbled.  But when we write them down, we can see how silly some of them are. 
   
   
4. Once you’ve made your list of things you’re blaming yourself for or feeling guilty about, try arguing with the other side. Imagine you’re in the debate team and you’re switching sides.  Tell yourself the reasons why this is NOT the reason why it didn’t work.  Here are some examples -  

For - I started trying to conceive too late in life, and this is the reason why.
Against – people who start trying to conceive later in life get pregnant all the time.  And in fact, I got pregnant naturally when I was 39. And if I hadn’t waited longer, I wouldn’t have met my husband, and I would have settled for someone who wasn’t the right fit for me. I also didn’t have a crystal ball – so I had no idea it would take this long.

For – It’s because I stressed too much, and that’s the reason why.
Against – if stress was the reason, there wouldn’t have been children born during all the world wars, and there were.  People who are stressed, still get pregnant.

For – It’s because I didn’t think positively enough, and that’s the reason why.
Against – our fertility is more complicated than thinking positively. Our thoughts affect our experience, not the outcome.  Negative people get pregnant all the time.

For – it’s because I drank too much wine.
Against – if I had a dollar for every person who told me they got pregnant after a boozy night out I’d be a millionaire.  That’s why people tell you to “just get drunk” and it will happen.  It’s not because you drank wine.

5. Ask yourself – what am I getting out of this story or line of thinking? Looking back, I blamed myself for so many reasons.  If I took responsibility for the things I did or didn’t do, it meant I was still in control.  If I didn’t take responsibility, what was the reason why I wasn’t getting pregnant?  And that’s when my mind would go into overdrive – maybe it was because this just wasn’t meant to be?  Or because I’d make a terrible mother?  Or it was karma? So, what are you getting out of this untrue story you’re telling yourself?
   
   
6. Is there something you can do about the things you’re blaming yourself for? If there is, that’s great.  But most of the time there is nothing we can do.  Because we don’t have a crystal ball. You can’t rewrite history.  We can only learn from it, deal with the aftermath of emotions, and move forward. 
   
   

So, let’s get that foot off your back so you can stand back up, and start moving forward.

You didn’t cause any of this.  And even if you did make choices in the past that have affected your current fertility, you didn’t knowingly do it.  And even if you did make different choices, you have no idea whether it would have turned out differently.  We’re all just speculating here. You couldn’t have predicted it would be as hard as it is (because we were only taught how easy it is to get pregnant while growing up).

It’s time we stopped trying to assign responsibility and blame, and started re-writing the story we’re telling ourselves. Because we’re all doing the best we can, with the tools we’ve been provided. 

Work out what you can control, and what you cannot.  And instead of looking backward with regret, look forward to what is next. 

 And know that you’re doing a great job, and you are worthy, no matter what.