Do you need to work hard, or do you need to relax, in order to have a baby?

The longer you’re on your fertility journey, the more you question who you are, and who you need to be in order to get pregnant.  And if you’ve been trying to get pregnant for a while, you’re at that stage where you would do anything, and change everything about yourself, in order to make this happen. But the messages we receive from the outside world are inconsistent and confusing. 

On one hand, you’re being commended on being strong. For putting on a brave face. We’re told to advocate for ourselves. To never give up. And to keep pushing forward.

Then, on the other hand, people are telling you to just relax or to stop thinking about it. They’re also telling you stories about that friend who was trying to have a baby for years with no luck, then as soon as they stopped trying…..boom! they’re pregnant.

The first message is centred around our masculine energy, or as I like to refer to it – our inner warrior. And the second is our feminine energy or our inner goddess. 

As your typical type A personality, I am definitely more comfortable in warrior mode. And for the entire length of my fertility journey, spanning 7 years in total, that’s how I approached things. I pushed hard, I held in my emotions, I never took a break, and I never asked for help. While it got me to where I am today – with two beautiful children earthside, it was fucking exhausting.

As women, we fight for equality, which means that we have been forced to engage our masculine energy to get a seat at the table. And because of this, I would take a guess that the majority of us are more comfortable with our inner warrior.

But here we are, with people telling us to slow down, to meditate, to ask for help, and release control. It goes against the messages we were told when we were growing up – that hard work will pay off. No pain, no gain etc. We’re not equipped to slow down or change gears, because we’re trying to flex a muscle that hasn’t been used very often, and it feels completely foreign to us.

So, I guess the big question is – who do you need to be in order to have a baby?

Do you need to be the warrior?  Or do you need to be the goddess?

In short….you need to be BOTH. Now, if the thought of that sounds overwhelming and impossible for you right now, let me clarify. You don’t have to be both at the same time. You can alternate, depending on your situation. But the goal is to aim for balance between them.

Both are equally important on your fertility journey, as they have different roles.  And it’s up to you to work out which one you need to be in each moment. The confusion comes up when we feel like we have to be one or the other all the time.

So, who and what exactly is the warrior, and when should we tap into her? 

The warrior is strong and determined. She doesn’t take no for an answer.  She advocates for herself, she researches and compiles the information she needs, and steers the ship. She pushes aside the emotions in favour of action. Basically, she gets shit done.  She is an integral part of your fertility journey.

But if you sit in your warrior for too long, it can be catastrophic. The emotions she keeps pushing down in favour of moving forward, keep piling up. Which means that she is just seconds away from losing her shit with the slightest trigger. She is filled with so much anger and resentment and wants to smash shit. Which means that her nervous system is severely dysregulated and she is in her fight or flight response. She is inside her head constantly, going around and around searching for an answer, and is wound up so tight, that she is exhausted. Sitting in your warrior all the time, leads to burn out.

The goddess on the other hand is where there is peace. She is the one who gives you a big hug, and tells you that you don’t have to be perfect, and that you’re amazing no matter what. She provides you with the space to lean into your feelings without self-judgement. She holds you when you cry. She is the one that allows you to rest. She validates how hard this is. She is kind to you. She encourages you to slow down, to take a breath, and encourages you to look after yourself.

But if you sit in your goddess for too long, shit does not get done, and you don’t move forward. You sit in your emotions, and can start to move into the victim mentality. And because you’re moving slowly, you can start to feel de-motivated and powerless, and everything can seem so hopeless.

So when should you tap into each of these roles? Here are a few examples.

Warrior –

In the lead up to ovulation.
Heading into an egg retrieval.
Researching next steps.
Doctors’ appointments.
Advocating for yourself.
Creating boundaries with loved ones.

Goddess -

In your two-week wait.
After a negative pregnancy test.
When your period arrives.
When you’re tired or overwhelmed.
When you start being mean to yourself. 
Daily – in order to recharge and look after yourself.

I am aware that this is a huge generalisation, and this is not black or white. But these examples are to give you an idea of when you can give yourself permission to be the goddess. Because I believe that this is the role that doesn’t get emphasised enough.

Most importantly, you do not have to change who you are in order to have a baby. But you do need to tap into the different sides of yourself (and they are both there – I promise). The goddess and the warrior are absolutely incredible. They are essential. And they are what will get you through this journey, without sacrificing yourself in the process.

As women we are truly incredible. We can have softness and strength. We can be vulnerable and powerful. And it’s time we tapped into, and unleashed both of them.