Reduce your anxiety, and focus on the facts of your fertility journey.

Are you constantly worrying about things that never usually eventuate? 

When you think about your fertility journey – both past, present and future, your mind starts spiraling and it’s hard to bring it back. The onslaught of thoughts and emotions is overwhelming and exhausting.

When you look backward, you feel regret, guilt and self-punishment. You go over in your mind all the things you should have done sooner, you feel frustrated about the things you should have done differently, and you blame yourself incessantly.

When you look forward, there is fear, uncertainty and anxiety. You start speculating and trying to predict the future. If your brain is anything like mine, you are not one or two steps ahead, but 10 steps ahead and you’ve created a huge flowchart in your mind. It’s made up of statements like – if this happens, then we’ll do that……but it that happens, then we’ll do this. And this is all inside your mind.  It’s like a huge game of Jenga, and then if the first thing doesn’t eventuate, the whole pile of blocks falls to the ground and you have to build it up again. 

The thing with all of this is that it’s not built on facts. It’s pure guess work. And when it’s guess work, we do a whole lot of planning and invest a crap load of emotional energy on something that isn’t real. 

But imagine if you could find a space that feels a little safer, where you don’t have to speculate or try to predict the future. Where you can let go of the guilt, the regret, the anxiety……..and be sure about something for once. Yes, imagine having a little confidence.

Would you like to know where that safe space is (given the fact that I’ve really built it up now)?

It is the present moment.

Now don’t call bullsh*t on me just yet – hear me out. You may already be thinking – well I’m here, and there is a crap load of fear and anxiety in my lap right now. But is that fear and anxiety coming up because your mind is thinking about the future, or reliving the past? It is because it’s imagining scenarios that haven’t arrived? Are you asking yourself questions about things in the future? i.e. when will I know when it’s time to stop trying? What would my life look like without children? Those are real questions, and they hurt. But you can’t answer those questions yet, because they are in the future. And we don’t know how we’re going to feel in the future – all we know is how we feel now.

So how do you bring yourself back to the present moment and stop speculating about the unknown future?

With the facts. The truth. Not the mental movie you are playing in your head. Not the story you are telling yourself. But the real story. I love that quote by Gloria Steinem – the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. You may be feeling like this right now. But let me explain how this can help set you free.

Let’s say you’re about to start an IVF cycle. You may be trying to anticipate when the scans are going to be, when your egg collection will happen, how many eggs you’ll get collected, how you’re going to feel afterward and when you’ll be able to go back to work, how many embryos you’ll get if you’ll get to transfer and if you do, when it will be, how you’re going to get through the two-week wait. You’re probably also anticipating how you’ll feel if it doesn’t work, then what your next steps will be. And what if people ask you where you’re at in your cycle? How are you going to attend that party that’s around the date that you’ll find out if you’re pregnant or not (assuming you get embryos and your lining is thick enough for a transfer)? And on and on and on……

Are you wondering why you’re so exhausted? I bet you didn’t realise all the thoughts you’re holding onto right now, did you? And this is just scratching the surface. I could write a whole blog on the questions we ask ourselves. Fun fact also - we have between 50-70,000 thoughts per day, and when you’re on this journey, most of them are questions about things we don’t have the answer to.

So instead of getting too far ahead of ourselves and wasting valuable mind space on things that may or may not happen, let’s bring it back to the facts of your current situation, using the example of the IVF cycle -

1. You are going to embark upon your IVF cycle.
2. It will involve a number of scans and procedures, the timing of which is dependent on how your body reacts to the drugs. You will have a general idea on timing, but not a specific date or time.
3. It will probably be inconvenient, but you will work it out.
4. You don’t know how many eggs will be retrieved or how many embryos they will get, but you are doing everything you can right now to improve your chances.
5. If people ask you where you’re at in your cycle, you have the option to answer them honestly or be evasive, depending on how you feel at the time.
6. If you don’t feel like going out and socialising, you can cancel without having to justify why.
7. If it doesn’t work this time, you will speak to your fertility specialist about the next steps and work out a plan that you are both comfortable with.  
8. You will get through this. And those are the facts.
   

This is a technique you can use when you’re about to embark on a cycle, a new month of ttc, or when you’re finally pregnant. You can use it with anything really.

Bring it back to the facts. What do you know for certain?

Because that can give us a little relief. It can slow the thoughts down, and bring us back to the present moment. We are no longer punishing ourselves for things we should have done or trying to twist ourselves in knots and getting overwhelmed with anxiety. We are overlaying a veil of reality. There is no mind struggle, no internal debate, just the simple truth. 

As a realist and a straight shooter, this really helps me. And I hope it helps you too.