Feeling buried by infertility? Here are some things you can put down right now.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and burnt out right now, you’re not alone. Competing priorities, impossible expectations, and a never-ending to-do list can do that to you. A lot of us are just living our lives in survival mode, trying to keep our head above water (while still trying to look like you’ve got your shit together to the outside world).

A lot of my clients come to me feeling overwhelmed by the physical and mental impact that trying to create their family has on every aspect of their life. In a world that tells us that we can have it all, infertility is the thing that tips them over that ledge that they were already teetering on the edge of.

They find themselves living lives that don’t align with them. They are feeling lost. They’re burnt out. And in their quest to keep everyone around them happy, they are miserable.

While infertility and pregnancy loss are incredibly painful and hard to experience. The majority of our issues and struggles are because of one thing. We are carrying and holding onto things that don’t belong to us, or don’t deserve space in our lives. And while we can’t avoid the pain of our circumstances, we can do something about the extra baggage we’re carrying around.

In my coaching, this is where we spend the most time. Setting boundaries and working out what we can let go of, so we can move forward feeling lighter and more grounded in who we are.

So today I’m going to tell you the most common things that we carry around with us (that are completely unnecessary), in the hopes that you’ll realise that you too can put them down. And find some freedom and strength in the release.

Other people’s feelings, emotions and reactions.

As women, we have been raised to be caring, considerate and kind. Don’t get me wrong, this is a beautiful thing. But it can lead down a one-way street, where we feel responsible for the way other people feel. And the further we travel down that road, we start to place more importance on the way other people feel, and our feelings become a distant second, third, or not even a consideration at all. We’ve been brainwashed into thinking that putting ourselves first is selfish, and to be self-sacrificing is noble. We’re raised as people pleasers, but we forget that we are people too!

So I’m here to tell you that this is all bullsh*t. We are all responsible for our own feelings, emotions, and reactions. We are responsible for our happiness. And relying on other people to “make” us happy, is handing over our power. This also leads to blame, which I’ll talk about later.

The thing that makes us feel uncomfortable with this notion, is that we think this means that we can disregard other people’s feelings. But this isn’t saying that my feelings are the only ones that matter, it’s saying that my feelings matter too.

We’re also worried about being judged. But judgement usually comes from jealousy. We all wish we could say no to that baby shower invite, and when we see someone else saying no, we resent them for it, and judge them.

This is where boundaries come into play. We are responsible for telling our truth in whatever way feels good for us, but we are not responsible for other people’s reaction to it. And the most important thing to remember about all of this, is that people’s reactions are usually about them, not you.

Guilt.

This is probably the biggest thing we carry on our fertility journey. I wrote all about this in a previous blog that you can read HERE.

Guilt is becoming a very overused term. Sometimes we label a feeling as guilt, when it’s not. Guilt is something that comes up when we have made a decision, taken action, or said something that isn’t aligned with our core values.

But sometimes when we set a boundary in place to protect ourselves, it feels uncomfortable. We call it guilt, but it isn’t. We have been taught to live our lives in accordance with the needs of others instead of our own. And when we don’t, it feels uncomfortable.

As an example – this can come up when we finally get pregnant after years of struggling, and we see our friends who are still in the trenches or suffering losses. We feel “guilty” because we are happy, and they are not. But it’s not guilt, it just feels uncomfortable.

Or we feel “guilty” for not going to that baby shower. Or not being happy for our friend who is pregnant. Or for feeling happy when other people aren’t. Or feeling sad when other people are happy.

When we talk about guilt, it assumes you have done something wrong. But considering your own mental health, owning your feelings, and living your life according with your own values is not wrong.

It may feel uncomfortable and foreign, but it’s not guilt. So, let’s start renaming this. You don’t feel guilty, you feel uncomfortable. And just because you feel uncomfortable, doesn’t make it wrong.

And if it’s not wrong, then perhaps we can let go of the……

Self-blame and punishment.

This is a big one. We blame ourselves for so many things that aren’t our fault, and more so, that aren’t under our control.

We blame ourselves for not trying to conceive sooner, for having that extra glass of wine at dinner, for putting on an extra few kilo’s with all the stress and/or fertility treatments we’re going through, for not being able to stick to a consistent exercise regime, for not thinking positive enough (because all these things HAVE to be the reason why you’re not pregnant). We even blame ourselves for having a pregnancy loss.

And even though deep down we know these things aren’t our fault, we still take on responsibility because it gives us a feeling of control. Because for some of us (me included), the thought of not being in ultimate control of the outcome is just as scary as admitting that we are not to blame and that sometimes the answer to the question is……I don’t know.

So if you’re blaming yourself for something, I encourage you to read THIS blog, for some ways to release yourself from the self-blame spiral.

Regret.

I truly believe that regret can cause a whole lot of issues and challenges in our physical body. It can also keep us stuck. Because regret lives in the past. And what happens when we’re riding a bicycle and look backward? We slam into the pole in front of us, that’s what happens.

Now, I’m not saying not to look backward at any stage, because it’s a great marker to show us how far we have come. It’s also a great way for us to learn from our mistakes and see where we could have done better.

Looking backward with curiosity is a beautiful thing. But when you look backward and use your past to bash yourself over the head, it’s definitely not helpful. Because we can’t change the past, we can only learn from it.

So, let’s start showing ourselves a little self-compassion. We can only make decisions based on the information we have at the time – none of us have a crystal ball. And we all make mistakes. ALL of us, no exceptions. Regret does not belong in the present moment. So perhaps it’s time to accept that you cannot change the past, but you can stop letting it affect your future. Forgive yourself for anything you may have done wrong, and let’s put that regret down.

Other people’s opinions or advice.

There is no shortage of advice out there. Just relax. Just do IVF. Have you tried acupuncture? What about this herb? Just go on a holiday. Just get drunk. It comes in thick and fast. And in my experience, it is usually dished out by people who have no idea what they’re talking about.

I’m not saying that other people don’t get to have an opinion, or shouldn’t try to help each other. We all do. This is a free world (well, mostly). But this is where boundaries come in. People are allowed to provide their opinion and advice. But you don’t have to take that on as your own.

We constantly struggle, trying to explain to people how infertility feels and why it’s so hard. We waste so much time and energy on this. But it is not your responsibility to make them understand. Because we all know that infertility and pregnancy loss, and even pregnancy after loss is a learned experience.

All that matters is that YOU know how hard this is, and that you are completely justified in what you’re feeling.

All that matters is that YOU know you’re doing everything you need to be doing right now to support your fertility.

And while we want to educate people, it is not your responsibility – especially when you’re in the thick of it.

The stories we tell ourselves.

We live in a world where we continually fill in the blanks and make assumptions.

All it takes is a dirty look from someone and we assume that they don’t like us, even though they probably just had an itchy nose.

When we text a friend and tell them that we can’t come to their party, and they don’t message us back straight away, we tell ourselves that they’re pissed off with us.

After struggling to conceive for so long, we tell ourselves that it’s not happening because it’s a sign that we’d be a terrible mother, or that we’re not worthy.

When a work colleague comes in with their newborn baby and we hide in the lunch room, we tell ourselves that everyone is judging us and looking at us.

The stories we tell ourselves are the heaviest of all.

But what if we started focusing on the facts.

And the facts are….

You are going through something incredibly tough right now.
You have done nothing to deserve this.
This is not your fault.
None of us are perfect, and we all make mistakes. 

You are doing the best you can.

You are worthy of forgiveness.

People will always judge, but that says more about them than it does about you.

You are entitled to prioritize your own mental health. 
You are allowed to live your life according to your own needs.
You deserve to be happy.
You are not responsible for other people’s happiness, they are.

You are only responsible for YOU.

Letting go of all the things you’re carrying that aren’t serving you, and coming to this realization will be a game changer for you. Imagine how much lighter it would feel when you can let go of all this baggage.

It’s possible. And you deserve the freedom that comes from living a life in alignment.

If you’d like to work with me and put this into practice, email me [email protected] to find out more.